


Your lightsaber is your insecurity

by Ahsokasupremacy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Gets a Hug, Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Force Visions (Star Wars), Gen, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, I love them so much, POV Ahsoka Tano, Panic Attacks, Protective Anakin Skywalker, they both have issues honestly, we're going to ilum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28132887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahsokasupremacy/pseuds/Ahsokasupremacy
Summary: Ahsoka travels to Ilum to get her second crystal. Visions ensue.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	Your lightsaber is your insecurity

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic... like ever. Please be nice?

Ahsoka was in one of the training rooms at the Temple. She and Anakin were on leave for a few days and she had decided to use the opportunity to hone her saber skills. The only problem was, Anakin was nowhere to be found and she had been left alone to practice.

_Typical Anakin._ She cared for her Master very much but sometimes, she wanted nothing more than to punch all the midichlorians out of him.

She was currently deflecting the blaster bolts that the training droid was aiming at her. So far, she hadn't missed a single one but she was on level thirteen of the exercise Anakin had concocted for her and she had never gone beyond level fourteen. She knew she was almost out of time.

A single bead of sweat detached itself from her forehead and trickled down her face. Her movements were getting slower and heavier, her vision was becoming hazy and her breathing ragged. She could almost hear her Master's voice in the back of her mind. _'Focus Ahsoka, keep your mind in the here and now,'_ he would say. She blocked the next blaster bolt, and the next, and suddenly, she felt a blow on her left shoulder, slightly knocking her back. She'd been hit.

She took one quick look at the screen above her and saw the number fourteen was displayed. _Ugh... Again?_

Ahsoka took a few seconds to recover before deactivating her training saber and turning the droid off. She looked around the dojo; more Jedi had come in and started their own training in the time she had needed to complete the exercise. There were a few lone Jedi like her, but they were all older than her, probably Knights already or Senior Padawans at the very least. The others were all Master Padawan pairs. She sighed heavily. Where was Anakin when she needed him?

Her gaze travelled to a white-skinned bearded human she had seen a few times around the Temple. He was engaged in a duel against a female Quarren, his two blue lightsabers spinning and clashing against his opponent's at an impressive speed. Ahsoka recognized the style he was using as Jar'Kai.

She had always loved watching Jar'Kai practitioners fight. There was a grace and swiftness to it that was mesmerizing. And it didn't hurt that it looked oh so very cool.

Maybe that was the answer to her problem, she thought. After, she had become Anakin's apprentice, her lightsaber skills had progressed rapidly before hitting a snag. She kept putting the work into it but she didn't seem to get any better and it was becoming increasingly frustrating. Was this really her peak? What if she was stuck at this level forever? Surely, the Chosen One wouldn't want to train a failure like her anymore. He would probably send her back and finally get rid of her, she laughed bitterly.

She closed her eyes and forced herself to take a few deep breaths, attempting to stop her hands from shaking. Going down a spiral of anxiety wouldn't do her any good. She needed to focus.

She might have come up against an obstacle but she was Ahsoka Tano and she would die before admitting defeat. The Force around her sang in approval at her determination.

Half an idea set in her mind, she quickly walked out of the dojo, waving at a group of Padawans she knew from her time in the Creche. Excitement had replaced the panic she had felt earlier and it was all she could do not to break into a full on run. Honestly, she probably would have done exactly that if it wasn't for the Jedi Masters she kept passing by. There was no doubt that they would have scolded her for such reckless behavior.

Anakin had told her he would be back at the Temple later during the day but knowing her Master, he could very well end up spending the night somewhere else, as he often did when they were on Coruscant. She had never asked him where he went on those occasions but she had her suspicions, which may or may not include a certain Senator.

Tonight though, she really hoped he had decided to come back.

Lost in her train of thoughts, she hadn't realized she had already reached her and her Master's shared headquarters. She quickly entered the code and using the Force, she opened the door with a flicker of her hand. She was glad Master Kenobi wasn't here to see that or he, undoubtedly, would have sternly lectured her. 'The Force isn't a tool, young one. You mustn’t use it for frivolous reasons.'

With a sigh of relief, she immediately noticed Anakin . He was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the middle of the room, surrounded by droid parts. At her sudden entrance, he looked up at her, a questioning and worried look on his face.

"Snips? What's going on? Are you okay? Why do you look like you've run to Mustafar and back?"

Before he could keep rambling, she interrupted him briskly. "I'm fine Master," she reassured him with a wave of her hand. "I just need to talk to you."

His features relaxed slightly. "Oh, okay. What did you want to talk about then?"

"Well, you know how you've been telling me that I have trouble covering my left side when I fight? I think I have an idea how to fix it." She was having trouble keeping the excitement out of her voice but she knew Anakin wouldn't care. Wearing their emotions on their sleeve was one of the many things they had in common.

"Really?" he sounded skeptical and Ahsoka would have been offended if she wasn't feeling so agitated.

"Yeah. I think I could rectify that flaw if I had a second lightsaber. It would allow me to-"

"No," he cut her off shortly. His voice had taken a dark tone and he had spoken in a way that didn't leave any room for discussion.

Ahsoka was nothing if not determined though and Anakin had never discouraged her naturally stubborn tendencies. "Why not? I really think it could help me, Master."

"Because I said so. That should be enough justification."

"Master," she tried again,” you know very well that I don't do well with orders. You owe me an explanation, at least."

He lowered his gaze. "There's not much to say, my young Padawan. I just don't think it would be good for you."

"You don't think it would be good for me? Or you don't think I'm good enough for it? Be honest Master?" she snapped, her voice rising up an octave. She was getting frustrated now.

His expression turned into one of irritation.

"Ahsoka," he spoke in a dangerous tone. "Let. It. Go." Noticing she was about to shoot back a retort, he added, almost imploringly. "Please."

His shift in tone made Ahsoka back down immediately. Maybe she really wasn't good enough to dual wield and her Master was just trying not to hurt her feelings, to save her the embarrassment. Unsuccessfully so, she thought painfully.

She felt her eyes starting to water, a pang of hurt piercing her chest.

Seeing her expression, Anakin's features softened. He quickly got up and set his flesh hand on her shoulder. "Look Ahsoka, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Maybe you're right. Maybe it is the answer to your problem. I just don't want you to get hurt, okay? Jar'Kai is not easy to master. It can be dangerous, even to the most experienced Jedi."

He had spoken in a gentle tone but Ahsoka was still feeling the sting of his words and was staring pointedly at the ground, not daring to look him in the eye.

When she didn't say anything, he lifted her chin with his prosthetic, forcing her to look up at him. The left corner of his lips was twisted in a sad smile. "If you think it's what's best for you, I trust your judgment."

Ahsoka froze in place. Did he just say what she thought he did? Against her better judgment, a feeling of hope went through her. She widened her eyes in shock. "Wait, you mean it?"

"We leave for Ilum tomorrow. Be ready to go at first light. Now, go prepare what you need before I change my mind."

Ahsoka didn't need to be told twice. She went to her room and quickly put together a bunch of items she would be needing for the following day: a few ration bars, some water and her favorite fur coat. Then she went to bed and for a while, she thought about all the moves she was going to be able to perform with two lightsabers, before she came crashing down, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up to her.

She woke up early in the morning at the sound of her alarm. She had set it earlier than necessary in case her Master had conveniently forgotten to set his.

But when she left her room, all dressed and ready to go, Anakin was already waiting for her, a smirk on his face.

"I see you're early Snips. That's a first," he teased.

"Like you're any better," she mumbled groggily, slightly embarrassed.

He ignored her comment. "Well, let's go, shall we?"

The flight to Ilum was long. Or at least, it seemed that way to Ahsoka. Her mind travelled back to easier times, when there wasn't a war yet and peace was all she'd ever known. That's when she had gotten her first Kyber crsytal, at the age of ten. She had been extremely nervous back then, having no idea what to expect. After an hour or so, she had successfully overcome her impatience and grabbed the crystal that had been singing to her.

This time around, she was a lot less nervous. With some luck, this would be over in minutes and she would finally be able to build her second saber. She couldn't wait to try it out.

They walked to the caves in silence, the weight of their steps crushing the icy snow. After a short walk, they finally reached their destination and together, they joined their Force powers to open the gates. Master and Padawan, in complete harmony with the Force and one another. Ahsoka reveled in the feeling for a few seconds before opening her eyes.

She looked at Anakin who was fiddling with his hands. He shot her a nervous glance. "Good luck in there Snips. I'll be here, waiting for you."

"Don't worry Master, I'll be fine."

"Try to get out of here before the end of the rotation. I'm not sure I'm patient enough to wait this long, even for you," he laughed shakily.

She gave him a small smirk before turning around and entering the caves. She was on her own now.

It wasn't as dark as she remembered, or as big for that matter. Still, she didn't know where her crystal would be, so she needed to stay focused and be mindful of her surroundings as she'd been told so many times. She gathered the Force around her to listen intently for any musical sounds.

Suddenly, there was a light hum hanging in the air. The sound was melodious, a pleasant ring to her montrals; she felt in complete harmony with it and immediately knew it was her crystal calling to her. She followed in its direction as it became louder and louder, singing in approval as she got closer to the source.

She let the Force guide her footsteps, only half conscious of her environment. And then, a white light, shining through the obscurity, like a guiding star in the dead of night. She felt an incredible surge of joy and relief, as if she had finally reunited with a missing friend, making her whole again.

The feeling was short-lived though. As soon as she extended her hand to reach for her crystal, a wave of darkness hit her, consuming her whole being, and her world went black.

Her vision started returning in a slow haze until she could make out a dark silhouette against the icy walls. _So she was still in the caves. That was good. Probably._

She focused her gaze on the humanoid shape in front of her. It seemed tall, taller than her for sure. But what stood out to her were the eyes, the only source of light emanating from the figure. Bright blue magnetic eyes that sent a shiver down her spine. They met hers with a piercing gaze as dawning realization came over her. She had stared into these eyes so many times; she would recognize them anywhere, in any time and space.

"Anakin," she whispered, letting out a shaky breath.

"Ahsoka." His voice sounded unnatural, almost robotic.

"Anakin, what are you doing here?" This wasn't real, it couldn't be. She was still on Ilum, a place so deeply rooted in the Force, she knew it had to be a vision. Still, if she wanted her crystal, she needed to figure out what vision!Anakin wanted so she could learn whatever lesson she was supposed to learn and get out of here, preferably before the next rotation.

"I'm leaving Ahsoka, I'm not going to wait for you anymore."

She got closer to him so she could make out his expression. His features were twisted in quiet anger, his tone dark.

"You said you would wait for me. You can't just leave me here. As my Master, you have a duty to keep me safe." What did he want? What was the vision trying to teach her?

"I'm not your Master anymore, Ahsoka. I just called the Jedi Council to let them know. You'll have to find a new Master, someone who actually wants you."

That hurt. She knew it was a vision - it had to be - but she couldn't help the pang of pain that stabbed through her chest.

"What do you mean?" she asked with a small voice.

He laughed cruelly. "Did you really think I wanted you as my Padawan? You've been nothing but a disappointment to me."

Deep breaths. _This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't -_

"I did everything I could to make you happy Master, to make you proud. I tried to prove myself over and over again."

"Well, it wasn't enough. How could you ever think you were enough? I'm the Chosen one, Ahsoka. You're just some scrappy, untalented Padawan." The coldness in his voice was enough to make her entire body shiver.

_Focus Ahsoka. You know this isn't real. Anakin would never say those things to you. He would never think them either... right?_

"And here you were, thinking you were good enough to wield two lightsabers!" He was laughing maniacally now, the corner of his mouth twisted into a cruel smile.

Maybe he was right, she found herself thinking in spite of herself. She didn't want to believe it but maybe vision!Anakin had a point. And who was to say the Force wasn't using real!Anakin's thoughts anyways.

And if that was the case, then…

"Do you really mean it? You never wanted me?" she heard herself asking in a small voice, almost begging.

"Of course not. I only said yes to training you because the Council forced me to. I wanted nothing to do with you. I still don't and I never will."

His words triggered something inside Ahsoka. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think. She was suddenly overcome by raw despair that shook her to her core. She fell to her knees, clutching her head in her hands.

She was shaking uncontrollably, tears freely flowing down her cheeks, her clammy hands grasping her montrals with too much force. The pain in her chest was unbearable, threatening to burst her heart into pieces.

_He doesn't want me. I'm a burden. He's getting rid of me._ She couldn't focus on anything but the pain those words provoked. It was so intense, she thought she might pass out.

She closed her eyes and tried to think of something, anything but the hurt she was feeling. She knew she was having a panic attack; this wasn't her first one, she had experience in dealing with them.

First step: recognize what you're going through as a panic attack. Second: focus on your breathing.

She took one small breath, and then exhaled. She repeated the process over and over again, until her breathing slowed down and she was able to gain a modicum of control over her movements.

Third step: picture your happy place.

A thinly veiled smile appeared in the back of her mind. She reached for it with everything she had. She couldn't let go; not now. The smile became more distinct and soon, she could see the nose, the eyes, and the entire face. She heard a soft, teasing laughter and a confident, bright voice.

Then the scene became clearer. There she was, with Anakin, getting ready to prank Master Kenobi. She remembered that day fondly. She felt her lips twitch slightly.

The scene changed and she was reuniting with her Master after she'd been taken and had escaped from her captors. He was hugging her fully, not caring about who might be watching.

Then they were sparring together and she managed to take him by surprise, finally getting a hit for the first time. He was smiling at her proudly, sending his affection for her through their bond.

Memory after memory, she remembered how Anakin had laughed with her, worried about her, cared for her.

And finally, something snapped in place.

"No," she whispered.

Anakin - fake!Anakin, she corrected herself - raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Slowly, she got up and looked him fiercely in the eye. "No," she repeated more firmly, her voice stronger. "I don't believe you. The real Anakin cares about me, he wouldn't abandon me."

Suddenly, fake!Anakin was gone, leaving nothing but a lingering sense of grief in its wake.

Slowly, she came to her senses, gradually realizing the full scale of what just happened. She forced herself to take her eyes off where the vision had been standing and took a glance at her surroundings.

She was in the same place she'd been earlier, her crystal still shiining bright in front of her. Feeling slightly apprehensive, she tried reaching for it again but this time, nothing stopped her from grabbing it. The Force around her settled down with a quiet hum of approval.

Having no desire to stick around, she started running towards the exit as fast as she could. After a while, she spotted the icy gates from afar; they were still opened. Relief flooded through her as she crossed the line separating her from the outside world.

The first thing she saw was Anakin. He was pacing nervously, biting his lower lip. He stopped abruptly to look at her when she appeared. She could feel the worry emanating from his Force presence.

He ran towards her and opened his arms as if going for a hug, before seemingly changing his mind and settling them down on each side of him.

"Ahsoka! Are you okay? What happened? Did you find your crystal?"

"Yes, I found it. And I don't want to talk about it," she snapped, not looking him in the eye.

His face contorted into a pained expression but he said nothing, probably deciding it wasn't the right time to pursue this.

The journey back to Coruscant was a quiet one. Anakin kept shooting nervous glances at her but she refused to acknowledge him in any way.

When they arrived at the Temple, Ahsoka went straight to their quarters and locked herself in her room. She needed time to think, time to process and she couldn't do that with Anakin fussing over her.

She sat on her bed and started meditating, but she didn't get very far before she was interrupted by a knock on her door.

"Ahsoka, it's me, Anakin. Please, open the door. I just want to talk to you."

"Go away Master," she grumbled.

"You're scaring me Snips. Please let me in," he pleaded.

With a sigh of resignation, she unlocked the door with the Force. He walked inside her room and gestured at her bed, silently asking for permission. Ahsoka gave him a curt nod and he sat

down next to her.

"So," he began, "what's gotten you so shaken up?"

Ahsoka took a deep breath. She didn't really feel like talking right now but she also knew she couldn't avoid this conversation forever. Besides, he would never stop nagging her until she either told him the truth or snapped and went on a murder rampage. She decided to go for the first option.

"I had a vision."

"Well, yeah, I figured. But it must have been a terrifying one for you to react like that."

"It was," she said with a small voice.

"Wanna tell me about it?" he asked gently.

She felt a wave of reassurance from their bond. She looked up at him and saw a genuine look of concern on his face.

"I saw you Master," she admitted in a small breath.

His mouth turned into an amused smile. "Well, I didn't know I was so terrifying," he joked lightly.

She ignored him. "You said you didn't want me. That I wasn't worthy of being your apprentice and that you only accepted to train me because the Council gave you no choice." The words were rushing out of her now, like an endless stream of water flowing down the mountains. "And you said I wasn't good enough to dual wield," she added in a small whisper.

His face had frozen in shock at her admission. She felt his surprise in the Force and then, something like comprehension and finally guilt.

"Oh, Ahsoka. I'm so sorry, I should've realized sooner. I know exactly how you feel."

That piqued her interest. "What do you mean?" she asked wide-eyed.

He sighed wistfully. "When I became a Padawan, I wasn't chosen either. Obi-Wan only agreed to train me because Qui-Gon made him promise that he would just before he died. And for the longest time, I didn't feel wanted because I thought he was only doing it out of obligation."

That startled Ahsoka. She had never given much thought to the fact that Anakin must have been a Padawan too at some point. To her, he had always been this strong and steady presence and she couldn't really imagine him as a small insecure child.

"Qui-Gon was Master Kenobi's Master, right?"

"Yes. He's the one who found me as a child on Tatooine and brought me to the Jedi. He was supposed to train me but… Maul killed him."

Anger and resentment were exuding from him, the supernova he was in the Force getting dangerously close to implosion.

"I'm so sorry Master, that must have been hard."

At her words, he seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was in and his expression softened, the Force around him quieting.

"Anyways, I'm sorry I ever gave you that impression. You know none of it is true right?"

"Yeah, I know," she whispered, avoiding his penetrating gaze.

He set his hands on her shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze. "Ahsoka, look at me." His voice was kind but firm.

She met his eyes tentatively. "Snips, I want you as my Padawan, okay? It may have started as a duty but it's so much more than that now. I care about you, probably way more than I should honestly."

She felt a warm, fuzzy feeling envelop her in the Force and tears prickling in her eyes. Suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, she couldn't help but launch herself at him and wrap her arms around his neck.

For a few seconds, he seemed taken aback and Ahsoka was afraid she'd gone too far but then, he wrapped her body in a tight embrace and chuckled. "Hey there, Snips."

She felt a lump in her throat. "Thank you Master. I think I really needed to hear those words," she mumbled against the warm skin of his neck, voice thick with emotion.

"You don't need to thank me Snips. It's my fault, I should've been a better Master."

Here he was, blaming himself for everything once again. He had a terrible tendency to do that, Ahsoka had noticed. It didn't matter that other people kept assuring him that it wasn't the case, he just couldn't help himself, it seemed. Not for the first time, Ahsoka wished she could take whatever burdens her Master was carrying off his shoulders.

"You're the best Master I could've ever asked for," she insisted, hoping it would be enough - at least for now.

"And you're the best Padawan I could have asked for," he swallowed in what sounded like a sob.

They were still holding onto each other, neither wanting to let go of the other. Eventually though, Ahsoka pulled away from him, still close enough that she could reach him but far enough that she could get a little breathing space.

"So, does that mean that you think I'm good enough to dual wield? Cause you seemed kinda skeptical yesterday…"

"Oh yeah," he grumbled, his tone darkening slightly. "About that. That had nothing to do with you Ahsoka. It just reminded me of something bad that happened a few years ago and I sorta took it out on you."

Her curiosity getting the better of her, she couldn't help but ask. "What happened?"

"It was shortly before you became my Padawan. You've heard of the first battle of Geonosis right?" Ahsoka nodded, gesturing for him to continue. "Well, Dooku was there and I went to fight him on my own. I know I shouldn't have but I was brash and impulsive, I didn't think. Remind you of anyone?" he teased with a light smirk.

Ahsoka rolled her eyes but she couldn't stop herself from smiling. "I don't know what you're talking about Master."

He shook his head slightly, clearly amused. "Anyways, Obi-Wan was out so I used his lightsaber in addition to my own and things got… bad. I ended up losing my right arm."

A wave of realization hit Ahsoka. Oh, this explained so much, she thought. "So that's how you got your prosthetic," she murmured, more to herself than to Anakin.

"Yup. I've been the proud owner of Grievito ever since."

She raised an eye marking. "Wait, you named your arm?"

"Please don't tell Obi-Wan," he added hurriedly.

"I can't promise anything Skyguy. That will depend on you and what you can do for me", she said, a shit-eating grin on her face.

A mixture of shock, pride and amusement seemed to cross his face. "Are you blackmailing me Snips? That's not very Jedi like behavior."

"Like you care," she shot back.

"Ha! You got me there!" He was genuinely smiling now.

And then his expression turned serious. "The point is, I have every ounce of faith in your abilities. It's just that… I worry about you. I don't want you to get hurt Ahsoka."

"I know you don't Master but I really think this could help me get better at covering all my angles. So that would actually make me safer."

"You certainly make a good argument, my Padawan." His mood was back to being more lighthearted. "So, you wanna go practice Jar'Kai? We can learn together, it could be fun."

His words caused a thrill to go through her body. "Yes yes yes!" she yelled excitedly. "Just give me a little time to build it and then we can train. Maybe I can even beat you!"

That got a laugh out of him. "Slow down Snips. I may be relatively new at this but make no mistake, I'm still better than you," he smirked at her, eyes twinkling in amusement.

"We'll see about that Skyguy."

* * *

(Years later, she found herself facing off against a tall black shadow in a mask, the weight of her two white lightsabers, a reminder of all that she was and the relationship she'd had with her former Master.

When the mask cracked, all her certainties were swept away in a swift motion. She tried to remember how he had joked with her, how he had always been there for her, how proud of her he had been, how much he had cared fo her - no, _loved_ her. But this time, the vision didn't fade away. Anakin was still there, looking her in the eye, telling her she would die, and she felt all these memories getting crushed into pieces.

Because in the end, none of it had mattered. She just wasn't enough.)

  


**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about how Ahsoka seems to be pretty insecure about being Anakin's Padawan until somewhere around season 3. She tends to compensate a lot by being extra reckless and over-confident. After season 3, most of those behaviors seeem to disappear and their relationship clearly takes a turn for the best.
> 
> The bearded man referenced at the beggining is actually a real character named Taron Malicos. He was a Jar'Kai practitioner during the Clone Wars. Unfortunately, he turned to the dark side after Order 66.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
